Time Wasting

——————————————————————-

——————————————————————-

While taxiing at LaGuardia, the crew of a US Air flight departing for
Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
The irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
“US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there.
I know it’s difficult for you to tell the difference between C’s and D’s, but get it right!”

Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: “God, you’ve screwed everything up!
It’ll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don’t move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi
instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?”

“Yes ma’am,” the humbled crew responded.

Naturally the ground control frequency went terribly silent after the
verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to engage the irate
ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high.
Then an unknown pilot broke the silence and asked “Wasn’t I married to you once?”

——————————————————————-

The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a
three-sixty–do a complete circle, a move normally used to provide spacing
between aircraft.

The pilot of the 727 complained, “Don’t you know it costs us two thousand
dollars to make even a one-eighty in this airplane?”

Without missing a beat the controller replied, “Roger, give me four thousand
dollars’ worth.”

——————————————————————-

A DC-10 had an exceedingly long rollout after landing with his approach
speed a little high. San Jose Tower: “American 751 heavy, turn right at the
end of the runway, if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway
101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport

——————————————————————-

It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being
vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas
City. KC Approach: “Malibu three-two Charlie, you’re following a 727, one
o’clock and three miles.” Three-two Charlie: “We’ve got him. We’ll follow
him.”

KC Approach: “Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o’clock
and three miles. Do you have that traffic?”

Delta 105 (in a thick southern drawl, after a long pause): “Well…I’ve got
something down there. Can’t quite tell if it’s a Malibu or a Chevelle.”

——————————————————————-

Unknown aircraft: “I’m f…ing bored!”

Air Traffic Control: “Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!”

Unknown aircraft: “I said I was f…ing bored, not f…ing stupid!”

——————————————————————-

Tower: “Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7.”
Eastern 702: “Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after
we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.”
Tower: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7.
Did you copy that report from Eastern?”

Continental 635: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we
copied Eastern and we’ve already notified our caterers.”

——————————————————————-

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot.
They not only expect one to know one’s gate parking location, but how to get
there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that
we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt
ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign “Speedbird 206″:

Speedbird 206: “Top of the morning, Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the
active runway.”

Ground: “Guten Morgen. You vill taxi to your gate.”

The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: “Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?”
Speedbird 206: “Stand by a moment, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now.”
Ground (with arrogant impatience): “Speedbird 206, have you never
Flown to Frankfurt before?”
Speedbird 206 (coolly): Yes, I have, actually, in 1944. In another type of
Boeing, but just to drop something off. I didn’t stop.

——————————————————————-

O’Hare Approach Control: “United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one
o’clock, three miles, eastbound.”

United 239: “Approach, I’ve always wanted to say this…I’ve got that Fokker
in sight.”
——————————————————————-

A Pan Am 727 flight engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard
the following:

Lufthansa (in German): Ground, what is our start clearance time?”

Ground (in English): “If you want an answer you must speak English.”

Lufthansa (in English): “I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany. Why must I speak English?”

Unknown voice (in a beautiful British accent): “Because you lost the bloody
war!”

=====================

Questions via the radio should not always be answered exactly.

Tower: Aircraft in holding pattern, say fuelstate?

Aircraft: Fuelstate

Tower: Say again?

Aircraft: Again....

After this the tower controller switches off his radio and climbs down the stairs to drink coffee the rest of the afternoon. 

——————————————————————-

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

——————————————————————-

For months after California's Northridge earthquake of 1994, aftershocks rocked the San Fernando Valley and Van Nuys Airport. One morning about three weeks after the initial quake there was a particularly sharp aftershock.

Moments later on Van Nuys' ground control frequency: "Uh, four-three-kilo would like to file a pilot report for moderate turbulence on the east taxiway..."

——————————————————————-

"ATIS" stands for "Automated Terminal Information Service," which is a recorded message broadcast at most busy airports around the country. ATIS gives pilots the current wind, air traffic, and runway information and each time the information changes, the broadcast is revised, with each revision being assigned the next letter in the phonetic alphabet. This designation is included in the broadcast, which is identified as, "Information Alpha..." Bravo, Charlie, etc.

At ATIS-equipped airports, pilots are required to listen to the recording prior to contacting Approach Control or the tower and must repeat the "Information so-and-so" identifier when they make their initial radio call. Sometimes, the results can be hilarious...

The scenario: it was night over Las Vegas and "Information Hotel" was current on the ATIS. Mooney 33W wasn't too sharp, but he didn't let that stop him from talking to Approach Control.

Approach: "33W, confirm you have 'Hotel.' 

33W: "Uhhhmm, we're flying into McCarren International. Uhhhmm, we don't have a hotel room yet."

After that, Approach was laughing too hard to respond. The next several calls went something like this call to United 583 (which didn't make it any easier to stop laughing)...

Approach: "United 583, descend to Flight Level 220."

United 583: "United 583, down to Flight Level 220. We don't have a hotel room, either."

——————————————————————-

Tower: "November 2115L, are you a Cessna?"

2115L: "No, sir...I am a male Hispanic."

——————————————————————-

ATC to Flight 123: "Slow to 300 knots please." After several moments, it was apparent the crew had not complied with the first speed reduction and was overtaking the inbound plane ahead of them.

ATC to Flight 123: "Slow to 280 knots." This was soon followed by a request for 250 knots from ATC when the crew still had not slowed the airplane.

Finally, the now-frustrated controller ordered, "Gentlemen, the number is 250. Either slow to it or turn to it!"

——————————————————————-

It seems that it was a very busy day and a "good ol' boy" American (Texas-sounding) AF C-130 reserve pilot was in the instrument pattern for landing at Rhein-Main. The conversation went something like this...

Tower: "AF1733, You're on an eight mile final for 27R. You have a UH-1 three miles ahead of you on final; reduce speed to 130 knots."

AF1733: "Rog-O, Frankfurt. We're bringin' this big bird back to one-hundred and thirty knots fur ya."

Tower (a few minutes later): "AF33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots now one-and-a-half miles ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110 knots."

AF1733: "AF thirty-three reinin' this here bird back further to 110 knots"

Tower: "AF33, you are three miles to touchdown, helicopter traffic now one mile ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots"

AF1733 ( sounding a little miffed): "Sir, do you know what the stall speed of this here C-130 is?!"

Tower (without the slightest hesitation): "No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you."

——————————————————————-

Not radio chatter, but these squawks were pretty good too:

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a “gripe
sheet,” which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The
mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and
then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are
some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas pilots and the
solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.

(P= The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S= The solution and action taken by mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what they’re for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

P1:  #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid.
S:  #2 Propeller seepage normal.
P2:  #1,#3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage.

——————————————————————-

Airline Crew Jokes

In an attempt to keep the passengers from standing or moving around before taxiing was completed, the purser of a SouthWest flight said over the PA:

"Ladies and Gentlemen. Our pilots FLY much better than they DRIVE so please remain seated until the captain finishes taxiing and brings the aircraft to a complete stop at the terminal..."

——————————————————————-

Overheard on a flight on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain really had to fight the weather. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Anchorage, Alaska. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

After landing hard, the pilot gets on the PA system to explain the arrival: "Sorry for the hard landing folks. It wasn't the pilot's fault, and it wasn't the plane's fault. It was the asphalt."

An airline pilot hammered his ship into the runway really hard on a certain flight. The airline had a policy, which required the pilot to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of the bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no M'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?" "

——————————————————————-

After a lengthy delay at the gate while waiting to depart, the Captain finally came on the PA system and announced: "I'm sorry for the delay, but the machine that smashes your baggage and removes the handles is broken, so the ground crew is having to do it all by hand today!"

——————————————————————-

An award should go to the gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

During the final days at the old Stapleton airport, a crowded flight was cancelled.

A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the agent, gritted his teeth and swore "F### you."

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly. Although the flight was cancelled and people were late, they were no longer angry.

——————————————————————-

The rich-and-famous don't always succeed in flaunting the rules, as the world-boxing champion learned on one flight. While the aircraft was pushed back, the flight attendant asked him to buckle his seatbelt.

The champ replied, "Superman don't need no seatbelt!"

Without missing a beat, the savvy flight attendant replied: “Superman don't need no airplane, either!"

The boxer buckled up without another word.

——————————————————————-

"Good morning, everyone, and welcome aboard American Trans Air flight 458. Before we take off, I'd like to call your attention to some safety features we have on board. Each seat on board comes with a safety information card; we'd like you to read very carefully through this in preparation for the mid-flight test later on. I'd also like to call your attention to the smartly dressed flight attendants standing before you, who will be pointing out exits and other aircraft equipment. There are six exits on board, two at the back two in the middle and two at the front. Should there be a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will automatically drop from above. Place these over your mouth and nose and begin breathing normally. Adults, put your own mask on before helping a child or an adult who's acting like a child.

"Once we have reached a comfortable altitude, the captain will turn off the seat belt sign and you will be free to move about the cabin. If you need to use the bathroom, we have six on board, three forward and three aft. If you're unfamiliar with the terms 'fore' and 'aft,' you're in some trouble, aren't you? We'd like to remind you that this is a no-smoking flight and, to ensure this, smoke detectors are installed in all lavatories. Federal law prohibits tampering with this device or with the hidden camera. Photographs will be available at the end of the flight.

"We'll be showing two movies on today's flight. Our first is entitled The Hijacking of Flight 458 [this flight's number], followed by Jet Crash '98. Both movies are based on real-life events, as told by American Trans Air cabin attendants. For the moment, sit back, relax, and enjoy the flight, as I and the rest of the cabin attendants go below deck to begin searching through your luggage."